Toddler Simulator Review
The wide world of video game simulators has given players the chance to be truck drivers, pilots, and even goats. JoshCorp’s Toddler Simulator offers the opportunity to be a little tyke and wreak havoc – should you diaper up, or is this little one just a little brat?
Toddler Simulator Review
Boot up Toddler Simulator, and you’d be surprised to see how little there is to do. As to be expected, players take control of a toddler, and are just thrown into a low poly world that was hastily put together in Maya. Sure, players can customize their baby, say no, or puke at the push of a button, but its sandbox nature feels more like a proof of concept than a cohesive game.
Those looking for a little bit of structure can try and complete one of the eight objectives the game has to offer, but they feel like a laundry list of chores that were thrown together at the last second. Tasks like “destroy 500 things” or “find 23 golden nappies” come off as lazy. Outside of these objectives, there is no clear goal to the game.
Rather, each baby is equipped with a jump and a “carnage” button. The jump button is more like a moon jump, and will have your little one fly in the air with reckless abandon and broken physics. The carnage button, on the other hand, is just a right hook with piss poor collision detection. Players can use these two moves in tandem to knock things over and cause havoc, but it does not feel satisfying or even cohesive.
Those who do venture out into its nondescript world can find cars and forklifts to pilot. Each blocky sedan handles like a tank, and is extremely difficult to control. What makes things even more difficult is that only certain objects can be driven through. It can be a crapshoot to figure out which fences are breakable, and the wrong one can leave your car at an absolute standstill. Forklifts suffer from the same fate, though you can rise and lower them. During our playtime with the game, we often exited vehicles to find that the world has despawned, leaving an endless void. The only way to rectify the situation was to respawn, which became an exercise in patience.
Rounding things out are some humans and animals that run around for no reason. If you’re especially lucky, you can see one of these people running upside down or glitching into the world.
Absolutely zero effort went into Toddler Simulator. This is a sad excuse for a game, and is more annoying than a baby’s scream.